Welcome to my Barbecue!
by blkdrgn
Summary: All the cows in Hyrule - save one - are missing! Once again, Link must come to the rescue.


"Welcome to my Barbecue!"  
  
{Copyright information: Please don't sue me. This is a work of pure fandom. I don't own the characters, the world they inhabit, and so forth.}  
  
Link: "But Princess! I rescue maidens and gallivant back and forth through time! Saving cows isn't part of my job description!"  
  
Zelda: "Enough! You will do this, Hero of Time!" **Her eyes blaze** "The last cow in Hyrule is at Kakariko Village as bait. When the thief steals it, you are to follow. Rescue the other cows if you can, and bring the thief to the palace alive."  
  
**That Night**  
  
Last cow in Hyrule: "MOOOOOO!"  
  
Link: "Yawn! Is this thief ever going to show up?"  
  
**Silence for several minutes**  
  
Cow: "MOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Link: **opens one eye** "Shut up already!" **gasp**  
  
**The cow is soaring through the air toward Lon Lon Ranch!**  
  
Link: **under his breath**"Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon!" **He plays the last of the tune on his ocarina. Mysteriously Epona materializes out of the fog.**  
  
Link: "Follow that cow, Epona!"  
  
**They ride across the night-darkened Hyrule field, following that incessant MOOOO!**  
  
**At Lon Lon Ranch, the cow lands. Link sights a dark figure that heists the cow onto its shoulders and carries the beast, kicking and mooing all the way, into an underground passage.**  
  
Link: "So that's why no one could find them!"  
  
**Slightly daunted by the fact that thief can carry a live cow, the Hero of Time waits a few minutes before going in himself.**  
  
Link: **sniff, sniff** "Wow! Something smells good!"  
  
**He walks down a dark passage. At the end is a well-lit room. Link explores it and finds a wooden picnic table piled high with hamburgers.**  
  
Link: "Uh-oh! I don't like the look of this…"  
  
**Suddenly a tall man with a massive bulge in his middle bursts in with a fresh plate of hamburgers. The designs on his armor look vaguely familiar…**  
  
Link: "Hey Thief! Give back the cows!"  
  
Man: **jabs at his stomach** "Come get them out of here, Hero of Time!" **sob** "I'm feeling suicidal tonight!"  
  
Link: "How do you know that I'm the Hero of Time? And why do I feel that I know you from somewhere?"  
  
Man: "How do you not recognize the one who holds the Triforce of Power?"  
  
Link: "Ganondorf?! How did you escape from hell?"  
  
Ganon: "Never went! I hid here after I faked my own death. But I'm so depressed about my defeat! It takes a toll on a man to lose an entire kingdom, you know. I just **takes a big bite, chews, and swallows** want to eat away my sorrow!"  
  
Link: "WAIT! This isn't becoming to Hyrule's bane!"  
  
Ganondorf: "Liar! You just want to do some heroics! You don't really care about me!"  
  
Link: "Maybe so, but this is disturbing! Can't you at least try again?"  
  
Ganondorf: **sets down his burger with a sigh** "Okay, here goes. Mwa hah hah hah!" **slams his fist on the table. The hamburgers jump as high as the cow that jumped over the moon** "Welcome to my barbecue!"  
  
Link: "That's more like it!" **draws that Master Sword**  
  
**The fight starts out strong. Then Link makes the mistake of jabbing Ganon in the stomach. The thief doubles over, his face green.**  
  
Ganon: "Hurk!" **wipes the vomit off his mouth** "Guess I had one too many burgers…"  
  
Link: **mutters** "Clearly this fight isn't going anywhere… How can I get him to surrender what cows are left?" **He thinks for a minute while Ganon clutches his temples and moans about retiring**   
  
Link: "Hey! I know! Ganon! If you don't surrender the cows that remain and let Hyrule's people get their daily protein intake…"  
  
Ganon: "What are you going to do about it, Hero? Kill me again? Kwah hah hah!"  
Link: "Zelda will enslave all the Gerudo women, your people, and make them provide the milk that you destroyed!"  
  
Ganon: "What?!? You can't mean?"  
  
Link: **dirty smirk** "They're voluptuous women… I think they could get the job done."  
  
Ganon: "Sweet goddesses! I surrender! The cows are in the room past the kitchen! Your breastless princess had better not bother the Gerudo, though, Link, or there will be hell to pay!" **disappears in a cloud of smoke**  
  
Link: "Phew!" **wipes the sweat off his forehead** "Good thing he didn't consider how impractical that was…" **He walks to the back room where seven cows are roaming around mooing and trying - without much luck - to graze. He plays the Prelude of Light and returns to the Temple of Time**   
  
Narrator: "As there were seven cows, and -conveniently- seven temples, Zelda proclaimed that the cows would be enshrined. Thus did the good people of Hyrule come to know their cows as holy, and their milk as life-giving sustenance. Thus did the multitudes flock to the temples to fill sacred vials…"  
  
Link: **knocks the narrator to the ground with the flat of his sword** "Well, that's quite enough of that drivel! The end!"  
  
Fin.  
  



End file.
